Do I dare live an authentic life?? Who will cry?

After a delicious and unhealthy, rich, decadent Italian birthday dinner, I had my Cappuccino. Now I am awake.

Yesterdays' events, a conversation with a friend, and my birthday have brought up some deep inner dialog. Tomorrow (the day after my 21st birthday) is also the 19th anniversary of my car accident, the one that crushed my spine and put my life in a spin.

I deleted myself from a social network today because the amount of spam, crap, unauthentic friend requests, and bickering were going beyond the power of my delete button. Another step to "cleansing" the sacred space of my existance.

You see, I have found that people who drain my energy, who make my spirit sag, who are just damn annoying, come in abundance. They creep into my life as friends, lovers, business partners, etc. They change my true path by influencing my instinct. Once they have arrived, I feel obliged to be nice, keep my manners, make them feel like they are part of my life. Well, I used to anyways. A few years ago this changed, and I think the cleansing is almost complete. Nowadays I do not feel guilty anymore, my self preserving Bitch will just show you "The Hand", and delete you. I no longer care if I hurt your feelings, because I know your line to me is not authentic.

I am not sure what brought this inner discussion on, but I am asking myself if I dare go "Full Monty", and live the authentic life I crave. Will those in my wake be sad? Why do I care, since I just stated that I don't feel guilty anymore? Because those that will be in my wake now are my last spirit deflating lines, and I love them the most.

Sometimes people enter your life abruptly, again to alter your path, but in a good way. Today, the woman who hit my car yesterday called me. She is very sweet, and says she thinks we "met" for a reason. :) I think she is right, as my first reaction to "meeting" her is realizing that that 5 minute drive to pick up my husband COULD have been my last. And that I really SHOULD keep the mandatory registration and insurance papers on me. I think it goes deeper than that, read on....

I believe each of us born into this world for a specific reason or role. I believe in past lives, and think we follow the same core "path" in every life. So, if we deviate away from this authentic calling, how can we be truly blissful?

I understand that following these random thoughts may be confusing, and to avoid further rambling: I think the events from yesterday had a reason, and one of them may be the Universe giving me a nudge. I felt heat in my car in the afternoon, even though the air conditioner was going full blast, then this bizarre fender bender, and everything that came with it. All of this may be a mild version of the nudge that I got when I had my accident 19 years ago. It was life altering, and sent me on my true path.

P.S. No wine tonight! :) I guarantee that all above thoughts were written without the influence of alcoholeeeeeeeeeeeee....

Labels: , , , ,